How to Impress Your Bartender

1. Tip me well. If I give you great service (i.e. your drink is on the bar waiting for you when you approach the bar) tip well. If the service is marginal, mediocre or I'm rude, do not tip me. Give your business to someone else. Please don't reward bad service. It blows my mind that certain bartenders and servers out there make a living simply because people feel guilty about not leaving them something.

2. Have your money ready. It saves you time, it allows me to give service to the next customer. Things go faster, which means more time for everyone to drink.

3. Let me know if you are having a good time. It matters to us. If you are having a good time, there is a very good chance that we are too.

4. Drink knowledge! It surprises me everytime someone orders a 'high-ball' without knowing what kind or even what it is. It doesn't hurt to be picky and at least mildly knowledgable about what you put in your mouth.

5. Challenge me. If you're uncertain exactly what it is you want to get into, come up with an idea of what you would like. Start with a colour, or a favourite ingredient. Most bartenders have got tons of really good recipes floating around the back of our heads which go largely unused. Give us somewhere to start, however; the disappointment is palpable on most people's faces when they ask me for my favourite drink and get a Jack and water.

And of course, how not to impress your bartender...

1. Make a crack about how you know that the liquor guns are watered down. I am sure that there are a couple cabaret operators in this vast industry that do such a ridiculous thing, but they are the exception. It makes absolutely no sense to do this. Why? Because getting caught doing this would require in losing the club's liquor license, terrible word-of-mouth, and various legal complications (tax fraud, etc). At 40 cents a shot, and a 400-500% profit margin when it goes over the bar, it doesn't hold sense to do this.

2. Wink sleazily and tell me to give your drink a generous pour. If I decide to do this, it will be on my accord and because I feel that I stand to benefit from doing so. No such thing as a selfless deed, particularly in this industry.

3. Ask for a pen. The guy before you asked for it and never brought it back. And the guy before him too. In the age of cell phones, PDA's, the pen & napkin should be considered a dated method, but I suppose old habits die hard.

4. Promise a tip later. "I'll get you on the next round..." I don't mind you not tipping, really. It's the always unfullfilled promise of being tipped at a later date that irks. Come on now, if you don't have money to tip now, why would you later?

5. Run an excessive tab if you don't do it often. It's the best of both worlds with those who run tabs in the arena of several hundred dollars. It's sales for the bar, but amateur binge-drinkers will always dispute the bill, believing it preposterous they had ten beers when they are using the bar counter as a third leg.

This goes back to the watered-down drink thing; long before the doors open, customers have a pre-formed perception that nightclubs and bars are ripping them off, whether it's the cover charge, drink prices or watered down drinks. Once they get some hops up in 'em, this insistence of being decieved bubbles furiously to the surface.

6. Leave a drink on a table and be surprised that it is cleared. This one is more for the bussers and porters. You should take your drink with you, regardless if it's the bathroom, smoke area, whatever. If you have to leave the club for a minute to make a call or smoke, leave your drink with a friend.

7. Pick up the change that your friend leaves on the bar as a tip and put it in your pocket.